auld lang syne

i spent last new years eve with four of my best single girl friends, in what we had hoped would turn into a glitzy and fabulous episode of sex and the city. what started with high hopes, planned resolutions, and giggling ended with tears, big letdowns and unnecessary travels to the past.  what could have gone wrong you wonder? we had champagne and red lipstick! vodka and high heels! boys and confetti! but what we didnt have, we couldnt have found. what we didnt have was what we were all looking for. all year, all month, all day long. we were all mistaken in thinking that by putting on a brave face and "woohoo'ing" our way into the new year, all else would be forgotten. for some of us, it was a job. a house. a car. a degree. a million bucks. but for all, it was love.

dont get me wrong. we tried our damnedest. we even went the traditional, if somewhat quirky, route of writing down resolutions. that we promised to follow. and we all assumed that this year, we would be in a much better place. because try as we might, we all knew last december 31 is not where we wanted to stay.  i bought a new wallet the other day and as i was transferring the essentials, i came across a folded up piece of paper.  what i read nearly brought me to tears. im not really a firm believer in change, nor in it happening quickly. but when i remember where i was a year from today, it really does give me hope. so in light of another new years eve, and my determination to make and keep resolutions this year with success, lets see how i did:

"i will put myself first and care more about me than anyone else."
psh. im not really the selfless type, so i dont see this being my resolution of choice. but there have been times when ive put others needs before my own, in work, love, and friendships. and sometimes its not always the best choice. i do believe in the last year i have stood up for myself more at work, taking what i need first. although i dont recommend the me-me-me approach, there have been times when it made all the difference in my personal sanity and success.

"i will stop worrying about things that might happen and embrace those that are."
my "hopeful" engagement is months away. my wedding, even longer. so why worry? this year i took the time to try to live in the moment more. i have been truly open and honest with the person i love for the first time, without worrying whether i will sink the nail into the coffin of us. because ive learned that if the relationship is that weak, it wont stand the test of time anyway. one measly emotion wont make a difference. i have told him what i want and need, asked how to make things better, and tried to let the little things slide. in times of pssa frenzy, i took less time to shoot stern looks and preach repetition and more time to assuage fears and share comforting smiles. and when scores came in, rather than the song and dance of last year, it was a quiet warmth that radiated from my heart knowing that my belief in those kids was well-placed.

"i will stop stressing about things that are out of my control."
so there are mice in my classroom. so my boyfriends crazy ex will not sink into oblivion. so i havent found a house i love thats in my price range yet. so im not engaged. so my tenure hasnt gone through. so theres traffic on the bridge. SO WHAT? there are enough meaningful worthwhile things in life to stress about that i actually care about and have the capacity to change. why waste time on the rest. im a stresser by nature. but in the last year, ive been letting go. of all that doesnt matter.

"i will focus on my health, my education, and the improvement of my state of mind."
yep. this girl ran on the treadmill a couple times this year. even bought myself a new pair of sneakers. but ive been eating healthier and staying away from the demons (aka vodka). my formal education is at a halt right now. but that doesnt mean i havent been learning things. ive read some incredible books in the last year, learned tons of things about childrens literature, researched and experienced many time periods in history, tried out lots of new recipes, increased my boggle score - im beating my world champion memom these days, learned about beer and wine and food, and got the slightest bit more interested in politics and current events that dont include us weekly. im going to go with "see above" for the improvement of my state of mind. im happy, healthy, and in love. and it seems, so are the people i care most about!

"i will save money rather than spend."
oooh you know, theres always one. that one resolution that just doesnt work out. i guess when you think about it though, four out of five aint bad. and as my poppop always says, "you cant take it with you."


so in light of recent findings, and the new year approaching, i will be compiling a list of new resolutions. one of which is to blog more, even if they are shorter entries. ive always been a little long-winded, bet you couldnt tell, but i need to start just getting a few words on the screen and hitting publish. my best friend h, the one who started me blogging in the first place, is SO good at it. her posts are always short, to the point, and wonderful! i need to take some notes before sunday. wish me luck!