to thine own self be true

in a healthy relationship, there are always two people. they are committed to one another and often consider that person to be one of their best friends. they do not stray. they do not purposely hurt one another. they enjoy a healthy amount of time both together and apart, but are usually on the other's mind. although it is not a constant "what would he/she want me to do" type situation, they take their partners opinions and feelings into consideration before acting.

i am no relationship expert. but ive been there. and ive had that. however, ive also had this. . .

in many relationships, there are always two central people. they say they are committed to one another, but their words and actions show otherwise. they call that person their best friend, but hurt them in ways youd expect from an archenemy. they stray. they purposely hurt one another. they enjoy either an unhealthy amount of time together, due to trust issues, or an unhealthy amount of time apart, due to the possibility that they just may not enjoy one anothers company. they are not on the others mind as much as they should be. it is a constant "what would he/she want me to do" type situation, followed by the direct opposite action. they do not take their partners opinions and feelings into consideration before acting.

cynical? maybe. but also true. am i the innocent party here? not always. i have lied. i have cheated. i have purposely done things to hurt another person, or often to "hurt them back" worse. i have done things selfishly without contemplating the consequences of my actions. i have chosen to spend my time unwisely in the face of my relationship. i have held things in when i should have shared them, and opened my mouth when biting my tongue would be more appropriate. i know that i am not always the victim. i have had relationships that started out like the first scenario and ended up like the second. and vice versa. and i know that no matter what, i have played an active role in that change. for better or for worse.

what is bringing this rant on, considering im not currently in a relationship? a discussion with a friend about the appropriateness of a certain situation got me quite fired up. yes, i am right smack in the middle of said situation. and ive willingly put myself there. however, so has everyone else involved. i felt the need to defend myself and started to wonder why. it got me thinking about relationships. and then about choices. which led me to all this. if two people are in a relationship, its because thats what they chose. its what they chose? dont you mean something else? no, unfortunately. i want to say its because they are in love, care about the other person, and genuinely want to be together. and often, thats the case. but not always. sometimes its more about a choice. because, and i am including personal experience here, sometimes people choose to stay. even when theyre not happy, and they dont care, and theyre not in love. so with all these choices being made, it sometimes happens that not everyone ends up on the same page. what you choose may not coincide with the choices being made around you. and what you choose may be based on different factors than other parties involved. and what you choose may be merely due to habit, convenience, or responsibility; not to emotions and needs.

and what happens when those choices dont match up? well then youre playing the wrong game of memory, i guess. all i know is that if you make the choice to stay with someone, knowing full well who they are and what theyre about, then arent you just as much at fault? if you let these situations happen, arent you really just an accomplice? it seems like a reasonable concept to me. the same applies to my students. if "just this once" i let them chew gum in class, i spend the next three weeks scraping it off the bottoms of my desks. if "please i promise its only this one time" a student gets to use the bathroom with a handwritten pass, they wont ever bother to bring their agenda book to class. if "but mrs. so-and-so let me" hand in homework late, i spend the entire marking period changing grades and making exceptions. off the clock! point being, if you let it slide once, it will most definitely happen again. and again and again. and the worst part is, its your fault. because you have opened the door to that type of behavior being okay. i think what baffles me the most, is that its really that simple for a hundred seventh graders to see, but not a handful of grown men and women? am i included in this handful? but of course! this is not just a rant about others, its a personal peptalk.

so why do we make these choices? maybe its because of a false sense of security about not being alone. i count myself among the many who have found themselves, at one point or another, saying id rather be with someone than be alone. while its not perfect or even very good. im guilty of staying in a relationship for too long, when it wasnt working, because it was all i had known for a very long time and i was scared to be on my own. maybe its because of the memory of happy times. again, im guilty of having said "we were happy once, we will be again" on numerous occasions. its almost as though you cling to the memory of that bliss in hopes that it will return. we all know it wont, but we cant help it. maybe its because of the bandwagon approach. everyones in a relationship. everyones getting engaged. everyones jumping off a bridge too, care to join? i find myself thinking that everyone in the world is in a relationship but me. those are the times i need a good slap. maybe its because youve believed you could change him for so long, it gets hard to deny. this is probably where im weakest. in practically every relationship ive had, ive tried to change him in some way. ive believed that i would be the one who would turn the cons into pros. it could be because he gave me that impression. could be that it was all in my head. but once you start to think theres hope, its hard to make it go away. so it doesnt surprise me that this is where im stuck again. and although its none of my concern, i think she feels the same way.

im trying not to think of the choices of others. only my own. bill rago said it best in renaissance man, "all i know is, the choices you make dictate the life you lead. to thine own self be true." its all about making a choice and standing by it. about not making excuses for yourself or anyone else. i dont know about the rest of you, but i must have been skipped over when the "make other people do what you want them to" super power was given out. i have to resign myself, as do we all, to the concept that i can only make my own choices. you can persuade and argue, but no matter what you do, you cant control someone else. and that sort of brings me back full circle. a relationship shouldnt be about control. it should be about making a choice for the right reason. i just need to figure out what that reason is.