coffee is [not] the new vodka

listen up, folks. im about to hit ya with some wisdom. a few years ago, they tried to say yellow was the new black. oh please. scientology was the new buddhism. gag me. and then working out was the new sex. do i even need to elaborate? now theres a new craze sweeping the dating world. and  i dont like it.  gentlemen, coffee will neverrr be the new vodka. maybe if this was match.com and we were 40something second-chancers nervous to get back out there after a bitter divorce. but were not. we are fresh, vibrant men and women in our prime. there is no need to fake it with a coffee. hit me with a martini, please. grow a set. none of my friends will be either impressed or even remotely entertained as i regale them with how much "enlightened conversation" we had in a snuggly booth at starbucks. or how "sensitive" he showed me he is over a frappuccino. waa waa. ok so maybe people enjoy those stories, but nobody i know! they like the real dirt. and theres no possible way to give it to them if you ask me out for coffee. nothing remotely scandalous happens over a skinny macchiato. also, you look gay as a picnic basket ordering, and more so, drinking, a venti double pumpkin spice latte. i would like to see you in all your manly glory. loosen up your tie and drink a crown on the rocks, would ya.

a large part of me wonders why coffee dates are all the rage. thanks alot starbucks for making people think coffee shops are cool again. no bueno. walk in, get your coffee, walk out. thats why dunkin donuts is my jammm. they know whats up. would you ever accept a date to a dunkin donuts? god no. then why, when a place puts up a fancy sign, sells $6 coffee and bumps the latest emo hits, do you think its an acceptable date spot? this is not friends. maybe it was an interesting concept then, but rachel green was also wearing belly shirts. and unless youre willing to bring that fashion statement back as well, i say we leave coffee houses in the past. ive come to the conclusion that it could be one of a few reasons. let me start with my least favorite...

the money. coffee dates are, obviously, much cheaper than real dates. at most, youre spending $15 for both parties, tip included. no one drinks five coffees on a date. its a one and done type thing. so the guy is saving himself some serious dough. this reason bothers me the most because, and call me shallow if youd like, who asks someone out and doesnt expect to spend money?! im all about being frugal. youre surprised, i know, that im not rolling around in my luxurious teacher salary. but theres a point where frugality has to take a backseat to life. i do hate money flashers. but i would appreciate a little "spenditure" because most likely, my outfit combined with the time it took me to get ready and the hard work its takes for me to be utterly charming, is worth more than a measly $7.50. not really interested in this guy. another reason i came up with is the casualty factor. ive noticed an uprising in men who like to keep it simple. i can deal a little better with this guy. we dont know one another that well, maybe met in a bar or through a mutual friend. maybe havent met at all. in his eyes, its a great way to keep things from being too serious. my sister k is currently "dating" a really cool guy. hes a little more interested in a serious thing than she is, which hes shown. but everytime he mentions a bf/gf scenario, he usually follows very quickly with a retractment or an alternate idea. he knows its too much. so he pulls back and turns it into something more casual. so whether for his own agenda or the comfort level of the girl, this second guy is trying to keep things veryyy casual. and sorry, but i think this reason is corny for the sheer fact that if i dont want to go out with you, ill say no. a no is a no, whether its to get coffee or cruise to the bahamas. if i dont want to go, it doesnt matter where youre taking me. its still a no. the third reason i came up with is that maybe hes trying out the maturity card. how very sophisticated and business-like of me to ask her out for coffee. as he sits in his study with his velvet robe and pipe. if i wanted to date an old man, i would check out the golf course. not interested buddy. do they think that will win a woman over? no. act your age. not my grandparents.

so who knows. maybe im way off. but i feel as though, no matter how you slice it, its just not okay. and this is my life were talking about. if you enjoy the freedom of a coffee date, be my guest. and im not asking for a weekend away in aspen as the first date. i usually tweak out at the idea of simply going to dinner. it makes me mucho nervous. having spent almost the last five years of my life going to dinner with the same guy, it makes me incredibly anxious thinking of spending that time with someone else. what would i say? wear? eat? yikes. so the shorter, less awkward date is right up my alley. but with nerves the size of texas, you cant really expect me to settle them over a coffee. i need wine. or champagne. or tequila pumped straight into my veins. and to be honest, a road soda would be completely inappropriate for a coffee date. how else is a girl to prepare? so im hoping this coffee phenomenon will fade out. the line has to be drawn somewhere. and for me, it falls just short of a coffee date. lets save that for a sunday when were married and pushing our stroller of kids through the center of town after church. if this keeps going, the next thing you know, hell be calling you at seven am on a saturday to go with him to the dog park....  but god if that isnt a story for another day.