out of sight - out of mind?

i am having a day and a half. and i cant really put my finger on the exact why. could be the backlash of the middle school events on friday that is rocking my job to the core. could be the disgusting rain replacing the tease of sunshine we got. could be that its the week mother nature turns me into a complete trainwreck. could be the summer house issues were dealing with and the lack of hope i see there. could be the bazillion straight five-day weeks weve had at school that drag before spring break. more than likely, its a combination of all of the above.

[before i begin my rant: a disclaimer... i am not living in a bubble. i know that there are many people out there with way worse lives than me. they are suffering day in and day out, for health and socioeconomic reasons. for real, logical reasons. they have it tougher than me. and i dont think my problems come close to touching the caliber of many others. however, id rather vent here than throw it out into the world, and into the ears of those people. so, without beating myself up about it, ill try to explain why im feeling a little blue. and ill even try not to feel guilty for it.]

so if im being completely honest with myself, which as always - is not my strong suit, id say that the above reasons for why im a little mopey pale in comparison to another nagging feeling. ive written this blog six ways to sunday, never with a good result. i keep deleting it. which, i guess, is what im doing with the feeling. deleting it. over and over, hoping it will go away. and its not. but before i get to that, many things are picking away at me that leads me to this feeling.

my phone never rings. okay it occasionally rings. but whenever it does, its my mother, my bff a, or my slightly compulsive summer roomie f. all of whom i love immensely. however, i just wish that it would ring with someone else on the other end. my phone does plenty of other tricks. it vibrates. it beeps. it dings. it blinks. none of which signify a phone call. i could cover all four walls of my bedroom with bbms and texts. and i have beat this subject to death before, so i wont do it again - but really? is it that difficult to place a call? and to further that point... what, for the love of god, is the point of making plans you dont intend to keep? yes, before you say anything, i am full aware that i am infamous for missed plans. i tend to make them, then find something id much rather do. like sleep. or eat. or do something much more fun with my girl friends. theyre usually a part of the "what id rather do than go on a date with you" category. however, i feel it is no bueno when this plan-breaking happens to me. at least i have the decency to come up with a lame ass excuse for the missed plans or the no call/no show i sometimes pull. and honestly, its a waste of my time. if i was really that interested, wouldnt i show? and yes, i am completely contradicting myself. but suck it. this is how i feel. if this was the blog for what everyone else feels, then they could speak. but alas, its mine. so while i know it is not mature or acceptable to make plans i half ass intend to follow through on, i really loathe it coming from the opposite party. and what is with guys lately? have they always been this flaky? or is this some new tactic to lure the hunnies? please do not send me an embarassingly big display of flowers to my job on valentines day, text me in the morning on my way to work almost every day, and call sporadically... then just STOP. and please do not finagle my information through friends of friends, ask to take me out when youre in town on business, make out with me in a public place... then just STOP. and while i could probably go on for hours, you get the point. i dont get it. what was the point of starting any of it? these random relationships (for lack of a better word) are tapering at the oddest times. it just makes no logical sense. oh, you liked me yesterday but today youre over it? what. ev. er.

and the sad fact is, i really dont care about any of these people. if they were to keep calling/texting, id be annoyed. if they asked me to make plans, id feign others. so why am i annoyed? who the hell knows. i told you i was having a day. but i feel like at the stage i am right now, i need these people. they keep me busy and sane. and help me to take the focus off other pressing issues. its almost as though its better that i dont care about them, because its like mindless fun. there is no stress or worry there. when i really think about it, i almost hope they dont like me. and by god, if they could really the horrendous things i write, i think id solidify that. a made a good point the other night. "out of sight, out of mind" is the man motto for 2010 i think. its all well and good if im at the forefront of their mind. if visions of me are dancing around in their head. but when they go for long periods without seeing my smashing beauty, its all over. and really, who could blame them? [anyone catching the sarcasm of these statements? anyone? bueller?]

which brings me to the point. if there actually is one? i think i should follow the "out of sight, out of mind" motto. make it my own. i will not be sending any messages/calls in the direction of the gentlemen in my life. and if i receive any, i am ignoring them. hard as it may be, i will wait for my phone to ring. and if it doesnt, so be it. the lack of voice to voice (and face to face) communication is getting ridiculous. and more specifically, there is a certain someone i should keep out of my sights and mind for at least the near future. i shouldnt get ahead of myself, but summer is rapidly approaching. and our beach house is quite small for the amount of chaos this mess could stir up. in fact, id go so far as to say the entire island may not hold it. the unfortunate fact is that among all these suitors that arent, hes actually the only one i enjoy. and i thoroughly enjoy him, be that as it may. in the past, meetings were few and far between. always with the same result. always with this same feeling. but the communication in between was nonexistent. therefore nixing any and all options of what would come next. however, i am in a whole different ballgame now. one in which im unsure of how i feel. or maybe im not unsure. im just not willing to deal with how i feel. and how i shouldnt feel. and where exactly it will leave me in a month. which worries me. so instead of putting myself in the worlds worst scenario, i will instead delete the thoughts. over and over. like the numerous messages i will be receiving, im sure.