no more mrs. bad guy

someone always has to be the bad guy. someone has to apologize. to be wrong. to admit that maybe they overreacted. to take the fall. to give in first. to comfort the other person, even when you dont want to. in any type of relationship. but nothing will ever work if the same someone is always the bad guy.

people do things everyday. some good, some bad. but all who make them who they are.

they do things they regret - like hookup with your stupid cousin. once. ok maybe twice. in high schoooool (does anyone not realize the significance of this? who did you not make out with in high school? honestly, most of my friends were making out with half the baseball team. [loveyou homegirls] isnt that the point? between high school and college...youve got to get it out of your system before marriage, right?)

they test the waters - like dating someone you kinda sorta maybe almost knew last summer when you were with your roomates sisters at a party and you were beer pong partners. really?! it does not count. you are not friends. you do not socialize unless in a large group. you would not call him to hit a bucket of golf balls. you would not invite him over to play video games. just because someone lives and breathes the same human air on the same coast of a big freaking country as you does not mean he is off-limits. he is free game! and for the record, if you have no factual information about what happened on said "dates" with said "everyone" then you should probably shut it. because contrary to this fairy tale world you live in where every date ends in a sleepover, this very much single woman is taking her ass home to bed. her own bed. (almost) every time.

they live in small towns- where yes, as they say, everyone knows everyone. they do associate with your family and friends on a regular basis. but that is because they are not the ones wearing whore blinders. they actually see a good, respectable, hardworking woman when they see one. and they enjoy her company. because she is charming and smart and funny. and does not take your shit. so instead of harping on what a terrible person she is to the very core of her soul, you should maybe listen to the voices who mean the most to you. they are not stupid, nor are they lulled into a belief stupor about how much of a catch you are. they see the "good thing" train as it speeds by you on the tracks.

they have relationships, and they cheat - which i cannot dwell on because it is neither desirable, nor acceptable. it breaks my heart and forces me to yet again swallow the pit in my throat that has not, and im pretty sure will not, go away. i dug my own grave. and i know that. but if you were the person there lending me a shovel, you have no room to talk. what you should make room for, is yourself. in that hole. down there with me where you belong. and i will continue this cliche juuuust a little longer to say that you have no right to stand above that hole, throwing the dirt down into it with your vicious words and assumptions. you have no right to put yourself to a higher standard and judge. you were there too. youre just as wrong. were the same. except i actually know i was wrong. and im sorry for that.

people make mistakes. you need to be mature enough to get over them. you need to be responsible enough to take credit for your own. you need to be held accountable for the things you say and the way you make people feel. someone once said that in order to give your love to someone else, you have to first love yourself. well if you cant even get to that step, then how can you ever truly make someone else happy? at the point i am now, im nowhere close to that. i know i have redeemable qualities. i know that i can make (and have made) the people i love very happy. but i cant do that in the state im in. i cant do that when im constantly being told what huge mistakes ive made and what a bad person i am. im not proud of anything ive just said. im also not proud that written in my journal, are about fifteen different versions of this same speech. and im especially not proud that its the speech ive been giving myself for nine years.
god, youd think with an outburst like that, id be stupid not to listen to myself. and thats exactly how i feel. stupid. for believing in something so much that its clouded my judgement for this long. for making excuse after excuse for completely inexcusable behavior. for creating this picture that everyone wanted to see. for hiding the really bad stuff so it would make the mildly good stuff look better. for ignoring the words, from the simple snide remarks to the truly hurtful digs. for just being so completely and utterly blind to the situation at hand.

but im done. beating myself up. the only place to go from here is up. and while, im clearly not perfect, and i cant promise anything, i really am trying. i dont need this. i never have. and its about time i realize that. so before this becomes a rags to riches tale of awakening, i need to remember why im here. staring at what looks like a billion words that seemed to come out of nowhere in a matter of minutes. i am not always the bad guy. in most of my life, i am not the victim. i refuse to be. it needs to bleed into everywhere, even this. and what better time to start, than now. ive done alot of apologizing over the last few days. to myself for being a rag doll. to my friends and family for listening to my soap opera and offering the same advice theyve given me for years. to someone who didnt deserve an apology in the first place. to my students and coworkers for my lack of attention span. and in the last nine years, ive never once heard a heartfelt "im sorry." and maybe what brought me to this point is the fact that i cant, for the life of me, figure out why that was okay for so long.