god grant me...

completely numb. that will be my answer from now on. when anyone asks me how im feeling, that is what ill say. its the best way to describe what i feel right now. if i really try to weed through the fog of numbness, im sure i could locate hurt, sadness, anger, heartbreak, frustration, hopelessness, pity and depression among other things. but whats the point? none of that will help me get through this. there are many stages to grieving. and people do it all the time. like when they lose loved ones or when relationships end. but how about for those moments that change your life in other ways? just because you didnt lose someone close to you, doesnt mean you shouldnt grieve. but are the rules different? am i allowed to mourn the loss of my passion the same way i would a boyfriend of five years? i dont know. i just know that in everything thats happened in the last two years, nothing has made me feel like this.

i wish i could be stronger. if i was a better person, i could do this. i would. i would forgive the child who did this, who really doesnt know any better and has never been taught. but i cant. i would forget it ever happened, chalk it up to a meaningless event that just made me stronger. but i cant. i would understand that some things are out of my control, that i cant raise these kids to know right from wrong. but i cant. i would realize that there are not enough hours in the day to undo all the damage their parents have caused, that i couldnt find the time in the world to solve all their problems. but i cant. i would be able to let go of this hatred and this anger thats burning me up, this inability to feel bad. but i cant. and i think thats the worst part. i feel so angry and spiteful about the whole thing. ive tried a million different ways to see it. and all i have is this horrible feeling of contempt. i cant get over it. its like everything i preach everyday to these kids is a joke. i tell them not to fight, or steal, or lie, or cheat. i ask them to think of others feelings and actions, before lashing out. i try to get them to understand the consequences of holding on to all those negative emotions, and about how it can destroy you. i attempt to convince them to stop saying and thinking hurtful things about one another, and try to resolve issues instead. and what kind of a teacher am i, if i cant even follow my own advice.

and after everything thats changed about me, and how much differently i feel now, this is making me very quickly lose it all. in the matter of two days, im drifting back to who i was before. i cant even believe im saying this, but i almost dont care. whats the point. if i have no support, and no matter what i do nothing changes, and nothing gets better, and theres no discipline and no consequences, and everythings been in such shambles all year, then why bother. i might as well do what the rest of the burnt out teachers in my district do. ill teach to the test. ill pump the kids full of useless information that will help them get a score. help them earn us money. help them do exactly whats asked, and forget it days later because its not realistic. none of this is me. i love what i do. i used to wake up every morning, excited about the day to come. interested in the material, enjoying the rapport with the students, excited to find out new things, anxious to see what worked and what could get better. now, i dont. and i feel like a terrible person. im nothing without my passion. and right now, i just dont know how to get past all this and get it back. its almost easier to stay numb.